Chill

How others react to my terminal cancer ranges from funny, to confusing, to just plain annoying.

It was portrayed to me that my month long blog silence upset a few people the other month. Some thought I had walked off this mortal coil (or was about to) and thus they started to freak out. Sorry about that I'll try to be more communicative, but at the time all I would have said was "I feel sick - god I'm going to vomit - shit this sucks - where are the real pain killers?" As you can see I'm a big baby when the pain kicks in - after all it was just for a sore shoulder.

Now I have to say I don't understand this getting all stressed out and freaky. What is there possibly to freak out about, we all know the outcome of this illness, we just don't know when, there's been plenty of time to come to grips with it. So stressing every time I go to see the doctor or just have an off day is really going to make life hell for all of us.

For the record, so you can relax a little, after I die a friend will post a blog letting you all know - so there's no need to second guess what's going on or freak my family and friends out with hysterical emails/calls/txts.

Others have said that they are scared to phone me. I have asked close friends what this might mean, but all they say is that they "understand". That doesn't answer my question and quite frankly makes me slightly paranoid - am I really scary? I know I can throw a wobbly if you don't let me buy lunch, but to be quite frank I've already told you I'm paying (can't take $$ with you) and the fact that you ignore me or make a stupid fuss of it all is just plain annoying and you're lucky a wobbly is all you get. Maybe they really mean 'uncomfortable' rather than scared - please don't - if I'm not up for a conversation or a visit I will tell you. Sometimes you might catch me in a bit of a mood, but I don't think that this qualifies as scary.

Now I appreciate that this is a difficult period - some of you have been through this, usually with an older relative true, but still it can't be easy. I try to help you all by talking about it - surely I must bore the pants off you all with the talk, talk, talk. But really the fact is we all die eventually and sure cancer isn't the greatest way to go, and sure 40 is way too young, but I can think of a lot worse so let's just make the best of it, relax and get on with life.

Ringo Starr would say "peace and love", I say "chill".